On My Watch
First, and of utmost importance, you must know that this week’s KierstenJ Knitting Journal is NOT from Kiersten.
It’s from Greg. The husband with all the questions.
So, please, please, please, I beg you. Do not unsubscribe this week. Please.
I know Kiersten is fine with her readers unsubscribing at any time if they’re not getting value from her writing.
But, if you would be so kind, just wait until next week. Please.
Because Kiersten is out of town visiting family and she’s graciously allowed me to take over the keyboard this week. She’s entrusted you, her reader, to me and I am concerned that after my turn with the writing, she’s going to return home, check her account, and realize that the only subscribers left are our moms and maybe a sibling or two.
That would be a problem.
That’s one major goal I’ve set for myself to accomplish while Kiersten’s away. Here’s the second one.
I want Kiersten to be able to count the same number of animals on Pemberley Farm when she returns as when she left. “Zero body count” as I described it to her.
I wasn’t in the military, but I’m pretty sure that’s where the term comes from. And that’s appropriate given what’s going on at Pemberley Farm this week with the creatures Kiersten refers to as The Regiment.
This is a good time for me to disclose what may be appalling to you. Brace yourself.
I don’t know much about all this Jane Austen literature stuff.
At some point since meeting Kiersten, I was surprised by the realization that the movies I was somewhat familiar with had been made into books. Who knew? Well, not me.
As you try to catch your breath from the shock of my lack of literary acumen, you can be comforted by the fact that I have recently read Pride and Prejudice. And I tried to read Sense and Sensibility.
Those double, triple, and quadruple negatives put my head in a spin. There was no small deficit in my lack of a full and thorough comprehension of what the heck she was trying to say most of the time. I tried to lay it out in a spreadsheet but I still couldn’t figure it out.
To be honest, the main driver for reading those books was to win Kiersten’s heart. I know she knew exactly what I was doing but kindly humored me anyway.
Now that you know my dark secret of Austen ignorance, I hope you’re able to keep reading about my zero body count at Pemberley goal.
Here’s the status as of right now.
The sheep are doing fine. We have the same number of hooves on the ground as when Kiersten left. Which means, for those of you who’ve been following along with this spring’s lambing adventures, Margaret is still pregnant. Or still not pregnant.
And, because of a lesson I learned as a very young man, I am NOT saying anything to her about it.
Because I have a rule when it comes to women I think might be pregnant: Don’t mention it. Ever.
I’ve seen that incredibly uncomfortable exchange happen in real life, thankfully not to me. And I don’t want any part of it.
So, I’m not going to lean over the barn door and say, “Hey, Margaret, when are you due?” or “Is it a boy or a girl?”
No way.
I just hope Mr. Darcy taught Fitz this life lesson every young man needs to know. He’s in the stall with her every day and there’s no way he hasn’t noticed her expanding girth. There’s barely room for him at the feed trough these days! So I’m sure he’s dying to know.
Same for Lucas and Frederick.
They’ve got to be wanting to ask her when they’re going to get to play with their new lamb buddy. Mr. Bingley, warn your boys before it’s too late!
Please don’t tell her I said this, but between you and me, she’s enormous! Like bigger than Maryanne was before she was even pregnant (she’s a big girl) and right before she pushed Lucas into the world.
Kiersten and I thought Maryanne was at the very top of the Babydolls in the weight category, but Margaret seems to want the title.
To be honest, I can’t say anything.
Kiersten kindly surprised me with my favorite ice cream from Braum’s and a treat from a lovely baker here in town. On the morning Kiersten left, this young woman delivered a dozen delicious salted chocolate chip cookies to our back door. And my mom keeps me stocked with all kinds of sweets I choose not to resist.
So, I admit. I have been dealing with Kiersten’s absence by enjoying more calories than I need. And the scale confirms it.
Perhaps Margaret is just missing Kiersten too.
Whatever the reason, we currently haven’t lost any sheep while Kiersten’s been away.
The Regiment, however, is a different story.
We’re down a couple of soldiers.
And, by “we” I mean my mom and me. She’s the real chicken expert Kiersten and I are both learning from. Thankfully, she’s at the barn with me to try to keep all these animals breathing.
We’ve been told that sheep are “animals looking for a way to die” and we’ve confirmed that description several times as Kiersten has explained in her previous notes. But I think this phrase applies to chickens too.
They’re making it more than a little difficult for me to reach my goal.
It’s not all their fault though. The Regiment has been under attack.
The battle at Pemberley is getting serious. It’s impacting egg production!
So, while I’m out here on the front lines fighting the poultry battle of 2026 without Kiersten, I’m asking myself, “Who can help?”
We have a friend who lives in Texas and she’s got chickens too.
Her day job is being a marketing expert. But she also knows a thing or two about raising poultry.
In fact, she’s one of the few chicken ranchers I know who’s figured out how to make money with these feathered feed eaters. Somehow it involves the hens creating their own Instagram account. Seriously.
That’s a story that I’ll let Kiersten tell another day. Assuming her newsletter still exists after today…
I figured if someone can build a profitable business with chickens who, from my experience, appear to have absolutely no interest whatsoever in standard operating procedures, production schedules, or quality control, she’s obviously a genius.
Our email exchange over the past week confirmed it.
She’d been dealing with egg issues too, and she has an interesting theory. And it has me intrigued.
Here’s the email that started the conversation:
“I saw Kiersten’s post about the chickens free ranging. Mine have found a secret lair to lay eggs, and it’s driving me crazy. All week – no eggs in the nesting boxes in the coop. Yesterday – 3 eggs from 26 laying hens. There’s a stash somewhere…”
That immediately caught my attention because we’d just had our own three-egg day at Pemberley.
So I wrote back and told her we’d joined the “Where Are the Eggs?” game too.
I explained that our pasture had just been baled, giving the hens countless new hiding places, and that we’d also unlocked the farm game expansion pack featuring Skunk 1, Skunk 2, Possum 1, and an ever-growing cast of supporting characters.
That’s when I realized the live traps in the barn were there for a reason.
The poultry guru’s response cracked me up:
“I wonder if June is poultry’s version of April Fool’s but for a whole month…
We also have lots of chicken shenanigans happening around here. We lost a chicken last week when she hitched a ride on my husband’s axle and rode into town before she hopped off at a gas station and found a new home. He tried to catch her and we went back later to search for her, but I’m afraid she’s gone.”
Naturally, I had to respond with my own field report.
I told her that since my previous update I’d met Raccoon 1, Skunk 3 (Sunday morning before church no less – I arrived with only a hint of musk smell, I think…), and a couple of stray cats. All while Kiersten’s in New York visiting her family and missing all the critter craziness.
Then the chicken sage sent the email that convinced me that she’d solved the mystery.
“I’m convinced of it: the critters and animals are definitely setting us up with all these shenanigans. They probably have their own version of The Truman Show going on right now…
As many run-ins as you’ve had, it’s too bad you can’t make wool out of skunks and raccoons!”
I think she’s right about the critter conspiracy! I don’t know about the varmint wool spinning. I’ll leave that to Kiersten.
Now you can clearly see why I call her a genius.
Think about it for a minute.
Our chickens aren’t nearly as dumb as everyone thinks they are.
Our chickens are members of The Regiment. And her Texas hens are technologically savvy. They’re on the internet.
And, we have internet access at the barn. How else can Kiersten check to see that Margaret is perpetually not pregnant 13 times an hour?
It all makes sense.
Technology has advanced a lot since Jane Austen wrote all those books back in the 1600’s or 1700’s or 1800’s or whenever it was.
And, who has the most advanced technology?
The military.
So, here’s what I’m thinking is going to happen. And how I’m still going to meet my zero body count goal.
One of two things is going to occur to save me.
Either the missing chickens are hiding from Mom and me. Again, the military. They have training in things like this. So there’s a pretty good chance they’re all going to reappear just as Kiersten pulls up to the barn and cluck, “Surprise!”
Come on now. It could happen.
Or that AWOL chicken from Texas is going to show up at our place with reinforcements for her Pemberley Farm sisters in arms. And we’ll end up with more hens than when Kiersten left!
Either way, I think everything’s going to turn out okay while I’m in charge and Kiersten’s away.
Things are going to be just fine at Pemberley Farm and she’s also not going to lose any readers on my watch. Right?
Greg
P.S. While I of course have questions upon questions (like I do every week), I’m not going to include any today. I don’t want to add anything extra to Kiersten’s task list. She’s already going to have enough to do after leaving me alone at home for a week. And she still needs to answer the winning question from last week. Hopefully, you’re still here to read her answer.
